I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
