Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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