the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
