last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
