I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
