i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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