I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
