This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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