They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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