I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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