if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Randomize
