and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
