I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
