Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
