You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
