I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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