were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
