im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
