Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
