i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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