dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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