Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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