I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
