I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize