He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
