As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
