Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
