he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
