It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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