i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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