OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
