I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
