I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
