You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
