so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
