I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
