this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
