Just took my morning after pill in the library
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
