I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
