Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
