I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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