Whatcha textin bout Willis?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
