1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
