She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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