we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
