Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
