She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
