I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
