btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
