i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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