I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
