I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
