So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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