I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize