Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
