I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
