if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She's like a pop up book from hell.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
