i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
