Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
