I think my fart just growled at me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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