god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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