I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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