I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
