i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
