i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
