I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
